I am not very good at this blogging thing. I always seem to forget it exists. That is until I read another blog and think, oh maybe I should check out mine again. I apologize.
I felt a urge to start writing this while sitting outside my local Starbucks on a beautiful fall afternoon. Basic, I know, but whatever. I’m soaking up my one hour out of the office. Still on my computer, but not having to deal with silly requests, rude PAMs (don’t worry, Cisco people wouldn’t know what that means), and the phone ringing. It’s nice to have some quiet time to myself. I don’t get that much anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the people I share my life with, but I think sometimes I forget to take time to myself. Actual time that I’m not doing something else. Not watching TV. Not checking my phone. Not worrying about what I’m missing out on. This last one happens more than I would like to admit lately – having a full time job and being a full time puppy mom doesn’t leave much time (or money, despite the job) to go out and do what all my friends are doing. I’m not too upset about missing nights downtown because, lets be real, they are usually not as exciting as people make it out to be. Expensive alcohol and terrible tasting drinks is not my ideal night.
With this thought in mind, I have been feeling really convicted lately to spend more time with God. I attend church weekly. I listen to my KLove. I stream sermons on my phone. But does this mean my relationship with God is actually deepening? It certainly doesn’t hurt to do these things. My music really starts my day out on the right note and is a positive nudge when I’m in the car ready to scream at some crazy driver. Those sermons pour into me and teach me lessons I never would have considered. But I need to spend more time getting to know my Father. I’m a little sad to say that, but better late than never. Just like a friendship can never deepen without time spent together, our relationship with our heavenly Father won’t develop without spending time with Him. And He so desperately wants to spend time with us. Of course, He already knows our hearts, but He also wants to hear us and personally give them to Him.
I hear so many songs that make it sound like God is so close to them. Like He is their best friend. I don’t always feel like that. I have struggled with hearing God. And maybe it’s because I’m not listening. Actually, that’s not a maybe statement. I do not stop long enough to listen to God. I feel very guilty about that. I want Him to be close to me. I want Him to speak to me. I want to walk the path He has laid for my life. But in order to do that, I need to listen. I’m worried that I don’t know how. The first step has got to be spending time with Him. The second step is probably allowing the silence to listen.
I am committing to daily moments with God. Not because that’s what “good” Christians do. Not because I think that’s what expected of me as a church goer. But because I want to know my Father. I do not want to live this life anymore without having a more intimate relationship with The One that gave me this life.
Thank you, Jesus, for giving up your life so that we may live. You have called me by name. Lord, I am your daughter. You give me chance after chance and would never abandon me, no matter what I have done or will fall short of. I cannot even comprehend the amount of love you have to give because I am only human. Please show me how to love like you. Please show me how to listen. Show me the way, Lord, I want to follow You. Thank you for believing in me and claiming me. I am chosen by You.